On monday I was very bummed out over her reaction and giving me more shit than I’ve taken from even my ex girlfriends and yesterday I was pretty depressed too. But now I’m more on the “angry and disappointed” side of things. I’ve gone through the entire thing a gazillion times and I still don’t know where I went wrong. She was the one that opened the door to her private life, she was the one calling me and talking about stuff (ok, granted I do work in the helpdesk so ofcourse she’s doing the calling). The only thing I may have missed was that she wanted to close that door, never picked up any vibes like that but that’s apparently the case. So for now I’m writing this off as misunderstanding and going with another classic quote from Dante – “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”…
And then I went down to one of our newest lawyers and after clearing up her mailproblems quietly said to myself “women are still the most amazing thing in the world!”…
Remember a few months ago when I mentioned I had gotten into a moral dilemma – I had, through no fault of my own, gotten information about someone I care about not being that happy where she is. I eventually decided that if she wants to talk about it I’ll let her, but I won’t bring it up.
And last week it happened again – I accidentally saw a private message to her that kinda hinted that she was now really, really depressed at work and was even considering applying for a new job. Same moral dilemma, but with one difference – her boyfriend is overseas for a year. So I offered my shoulder to cry on, and thereby admitting I had seeen this… and she freaked. I mean _freaked_! Not only was she pissed off at the fact that I knew this but also because this was none of my business. Under normal circumstances she’d be right… but in this case she was the one that opened up her private life to me when she was heartbroken when her ex had cheated on her and the hell she was going through. Back then I offered my shoulder to cry on and that worked out well because 2 months later they were back together. But this time she went ballistic and the only thing I see I did wrong here was that I cared. Even efter she said no to going out with me and even after they got back together I still cared. It even got so bad she told me never to talk to her again, which makes it really hard to explain myself.
Which only proves an old saying – nice guys do finish last. Maybe if I wasn’t such a nice guy, maybe if I had cheated on her and moved overseas for my careers sake, maybe then I’d be the kinda guy that gets a woman like that.
This is enough to make me depressed for a very very long time. I just hope it blows over, but I seriously doubt it..
So not only is our WoW guild dying, but now one of my best friends is losing his job (downsizing – AGAIN!) and this woman I finally asked out is trying to patch things up with her ex…
Regarding the first one, you coul say “it’s just a game”, but it’s become so much more. It’s hard to describe to someone who hasn’t been there, but it’s another hurtful reminder that “all good things must come to and end”. Regarding my friend losing his job, that’s shitty but he’s young and has tons of experience and certifications so he’ll get a new one fast as hell, and he also has a girlfriend to comfort him. And the last one… well, I’m one of those “good for her!”-people so… good for her, whatever makes her happy!…
But I’m still depressed… Oh well, I have plenty of cookies!
The other day me and some friends went out for some beers and have something to eat and just enjoy a good night out. And it was really good, until around 12 when we were walking around looking for some place that was open, had beer and didn’t have a queue to get in. So we ended up at Bullwinkles. I haven’t been there for years but last time we were there it was a normal bar. But now it had been transformed to a meatmarket, pick up joint. After we’d checked in our coats, ordered the drinks and checking out the environment we realised just how out of place we were. Most of us where close to or over 30 which most of the other people (atleast the girls) wasn’t, we had clothes that fit which the other people (most the guys showing off their pecks) didn’t and none of us was looking to hook up. That was a bad way to end the night 🙁
You know how I say that me being so afraid of taking the initiative with women is one of the biggest reason I’m still single? Well, think we nailed another one today – I aim too high! Asked out one of the nicest and most beutiful women I’ve ever met today. Naturually I was shot down and I wasn’t expecting anything else, and it was such a nice “no” I even went to bed with a smile on my face.
But to quote one of my favorite movies – if there is any other way to aim, I don’t know how.
Here’s a thing I’d like women to explain to me – the blonde issue. First of all I’ve never understood why a person would wanna go blonde in the first place, but that (much like the breast-size issue) is up to them. What I have a problem with is other women, and it is exclusivly women, commenting “oh she’s not a naturual blonde!”?? Does it matter?? Does it make a woman less attractive for having faking that? Or in one of those “what do people on the street think!” things I saw in Metro the other day when a woman answered “naturual blonde”, as if that makes her more attractive? Out of everything awesomely wonderful in women, hair color is not even in the list. But history shows I’ve always prefered brunettes…
I got a bitter-sweet problem that I don’t know how to deal with. Long story though, so here goes!
About 5 years ago one of the weekly highlights was to tune into a radio show called “Städdagen” on Radio Stockholm. It was a hilarious program hosted by a guy and his assistant who did all the dirty work. And they started an internet chat through their website as they were broadcasting. And I joined in ofcourse. And the more I chatted with his assistant the more I liked her. Then one day they started the show by saying how miserable she was feeling that day. So I made a call to fed-ex over a flower to brighten her day. Which it did. And that became a tradition that lasted a few months. Wonder if she thought that was sweet or if the stalker-alarm went off? Anyway, then I finally met them In Real Life and I liked her even more. True to my tradition she was a little spitfire, but when I saw that she had a CARTMAN on her desk I just had to ask her out. But nope, as usual, all good ones are taken. Then her career moved her over the pond to Finland so I lost contact with her. And had it stopped there it would only have been a “bitter” problem. The sweetness of the story comes from the fact that ever so often she popps up either on TV or on the radio! Like yesterday when I finally got to bed at 1 am and turned on the radio as I always do, and there she was. And everytime that happens I remember that year and her with a smile on my face. Although I’m totally over that little crush, I’ve even had girlfriends since then. But it still makes me feel good. Is this even a problem? Maybe not… well, it’s 4 am so I’m not surprised if I don’t make any sense at all.
Here’s the story ; We were on another one of these cruises right. There are, as I see it, four reasons to be on a cruise like this. The drinking, the gambling, the tax free and the hooking up. Everyone in their upper teens-twenties are there to hook up, if only for one night. It’s an hilarious meat-market to watch. So anyway, I’m standing at the bar in the disco (yeah, yeah!) waiting for my turn to order when my friend starts talking to this woman (who’s not his wife!), and I can’t hear what they’re talking about. And then she turns over to me and starts talking how he’s trying to sell me off “’cause I need a girl”. Can’t really argue with him there. And after that opener, we start talking about… stuff, normal prelude talk. Then I order my drinks and leave her right there. Yeah, I KNOW! Now she seemed like a really nice person, and she was funny and most of all, she took the initiative. I’d usually go for that. So why didn’t I? I’ve been beating myself in the head trying to figure it out, and the only thing I can think of is that I didn’t find her physically attractive. Personality wise – yes. But not physically. Ain’t that something? I didn’t think I’d react that way in that given situation, but I guess I proved it. And I’m not really one to talk about not being physically attractive because I’ve looked myself in the mirror, I’ve seen the triple digits on the scale. So how can I justify this? I wasn’t that drunk ’cause I hadn’t started with the strong stuff yet. My spontaneous thought was “why should I settle for something less than a hottie”. Which brings me full circle to “I’m a superficial asshole”. I just hope I didn’t offend her, I don’t really remember how I ended the conversation, I do remember not buying her a drink after just having discussed the financially difficult life of a college student. Usually they don’t even have to hint at that for me to pick up the tab. I guess my judgement may have been impaired by the consumption of alcholic beverages after all. Or perhaps I just suck at this “one night stand” thing?
The secret seems to be out now so I guess I can talk about it – a couple I’m pretty good friends with are getting divorced. “So what, that happens all the time”, right? Well, it’s the first time it’s “happened” to someone I know, and the most frightening thing is that everyone, including me, thought they were such a perfect cute couple and were great together. So I was completely shocked when she told me. ‘Cause if they split up… it can “happen” to anyone, it’s like “noone is safe”! And for me, being the practical kind of person I am, a divorce is a practical nightmare.
The spontaneous answer to the question “why am I still single” will probably be related to my lack of good looks or lack of gym-time, rather than my personality. But this new year I was faced with the personality-related problem I have – my incredible reluctance to taking the initiative with women! It’s a real problem I have that I just can’t take the initiative. During the little party at my sister’s, a friend of theirs showed up, totally ok in all departments (as far as I could tell), and what do I do?…. nothing! Although it probably wouldn’t have gone anywhere (’cause she tried to make me wear a tie and you know how I feel about that), and she probably wasn’t interested anyway, but the thing is I never bothered finding out. So if there’s one thing in my personality that I wish I could just change that’d probably be it…
As I’ve said a couple of times, I’m not a big believer in love at first sight or getting feelings just looking at a woman. My philosophy has been that a beautiful woman can only peak my interest, nothing more. So how come I’m still thinking of a woman I saw and who’s beauty I was admiring for hours but never got around to talking to? It’s been 6 days, let it go!
See my biggest problem, which is the main contribution to why I’m still single, is that I can never take the initiative with women. It just doesn’t work for me, I tense up, get reminded of how I’ve been burnt in the past and end up looking like a geek. If I even get that far! Last saturday, I didn’t get that far! She was constantly on her feet running around during the dinner and later she was always surrounded by her women friends. And if I suck at going up and talking to a beautiful woman standing alone, I’m ten times more nervous and afraid if they are in a group. It’s like flying into enemy territory, being shot down and reminded that you forgot the parachute! Ofcourse, there is no certainty you will get shot down unless you take a chance. But I can’t do it. So the only thing stopping me is me 🙁
But I’m still working on it, very slowly.
I heard another dead-on, totally perfect quote today : “I don’t love you because you’re beautiful. You’re beautiful because I love you.”
Now who can argue with that? I have two examples which proves that theory, and they are both named Maria. I’m not gonna bother you with the sobby story about either of them, I’ll just leave you to wonder about the quote yourself. (of course, with my luck with women if I’d ever apply that quote the person on the receiving end would interpret it as “you aren’t really good looking, but I like you anyway”, which would be an insult… hm, loose-loose situation… kinda like the pants which are always the perfect size and never makes any part of the female body look too big!)
The reason I haven’t been updating is that I wanted to get as many mails as possible about the recent events. And I’ve gotten alot of them, most of which agree with me. For a while there I was worried I’d gotten this entire relationship/love thing all wrong, but most people seem to agree that I shouldn’t change or give up a part of my life just because a woman demands it.
There was however three good points made against me, one of which from friends of mine!
The first one said that it was typically male to loose interest in a woman once he’d gotten her in bed. I can’t answer on behalf of all the men in the world, but that is totally untrue, and in this case, got me even more interested in this woman.
The second one said I shouldn’t be surprised she was making demands as if we were a steady couple already because I had rushed things so much. Did we rush things? I don’t know about the rest of the world, but I don’t think we rushed things that much?!
And then a friend (you know who you are!) told me “Kris, you spend too much time with your comp!” and suggested I should not be sitting in front of my computer when she was in the shower. Another (female) friend just said the same thing, although she went one step further – “you should have gotten into the shower with her!”. In my defense, I know she didn’t want me to because she had locked the door. (although I didn’t know that at the time, I heard her unlocking it when she came out, and I remember wondering why she locked it, I mean I had already seen her naked…)
And for those of you who are curious about “what happened then?” – nothing. I haven’t heard anything from her, and I’m not calling since I still don’t see were I went wrong. And she knows this page exists (she read it on the sunday after our first date) so I presume she knows how I feel about all this.
Anyway, 7 weeks to go….
Well that was fun while it lasted. I’m now single again 🙂
The story of a 7 day romance
A friend of mine set us up. He knew and what I liked in a woman, and his girlfriend knew this girl so they set it up.
First date, Saturday : Nice romantic dinner in a little quiet Italien restaurant. Everything went great. We had a really good time and liked each other. But it didn’t go all the way, although I did accompany her home, but that was it. We did agree to spend New Years Eve together so I called off my prior plans to party with some friends.
Second date, Tuesday : We decided it was best to go home to her since I can’t cook and my place is a mess. Once again a very nice romantic dinner followed, and then alot of talking, watching fireworks, then proceeding to bed and afterwards continued talking. (for once, I had no problem staying awake) Everything was peachy.
Third-kinda date, Wednesday : This was “kinda” third, but not really since it was just a continuation from Tuesday. We eventually got out of bed and went into Stockholm to see “Lord of the Rings”. Three hours in a 10% full cinema. Perhaps that’s why I didn’t like it, I was only semi-watching it. We kissed off at the trainstation and agreed to spend this weekend together. No specifics, just “weekend”.
Fourth date, Friday : Little did I know “weekend” meant comming home to my place at 8 on friday evening! I barely had time to clean up my apartment. Anyway, I did manage to fix a dinner and we sat in my soffa talking the night away while watching “Friends” on DVD. That’s when it started going bad! She noticed my pictures of Jeri Ryan, Natalie Portman and Helen Hunt on my wall, and she…
STOP! “Don’t tell me you left your pics of beautiful women hanging on the wall!?” Indeed I did! First of all, she had a poster of a semi-naked Marcus Shenkenberg (swedish modell) on her wall. And B – she had a pic of a topless Brad Pitt as her background on her computer. And finally, I didn’t have time since she just popped in unannounced.
Anyway, she, based on those and some of my DVD’s, thought I was a little fixed on beautiful women. I tried to turn that around to a compliment, no luck. Then we had a serious debate about it, but she still wasn’t totally convinced. Night proceeded great and I feel asleep spooning her. Isn’t that nice?
Fifth-kinda date, Saturday : Again, it was a continuation so not really “fifth”. She got up earlier than me (big shock, huh?) and started surfing around the web on my computer which is…
STOP! “Don’t tell me you left your computer on and logged in giving her access to all files on your computers!?” I indeed did. I didn’t think she would surf around or check around my local network. She did surf some, but didn’t check around my local network, so no worries there. And there’s nothing on any of my computers I can’t defend having there!
So, anyway!! My computer is constantly connected to the web, with ICQ always running and my mailer checking mail once every minute and I also have a “To-do-list” in the background. As she was surfing she noticed I had a lot of bookmarks in my browser pointing to Natalie Portman pages. And then she intercepted a couple ICQ messages about NataliePortman.com and my swedish Natalie site. And when my mailer get’s a mail it kinda lites up so she was curious what that flying bat was about and clicked it and saw (yes, I believe this was unintentional!) some mails about a new chat project on NataliePortman.com and another mail about redoing an image-archive page.
She closed it down and when she closed it down my “To do list” was just behind it and that was filled with NataliePortman.com things. She went to shower and that’s when I woke up, checked my mail and started writing a couple of SHTML-pages on this chat-project. That’s when she came in here, saw what I was doing and right away freaked how much work I actually put into these pages and projects. “About 5-10 hours per week, depending on how much there is to do” (sometimes more for special projects). So again we had a debate that was going badly for both of us, and when she was beginning to say “I’m not comfortable having a boyfriend who spends this much time working (non-profit) on a page dedicated to this girl, that you also have a (signed) picture of on your wall and…”
That’s when I stopped her because I saw exactly where she was going and told her “Don’t give me the ultimatum to give up a part of my life, you’ll loose. We haven’t reached that stage in our relationship yet!”.
And thus, I’m single again. So why am I writing this here, although I’ve said once I’d not bother you guys with my romantical life?
Because I need your advice on this!
First of all, if I was in a serious relationship I would on my own free will give up this specific part of my life. For example, I freely called off my 3-months old plans to spend New Years with some friends and spend it with her! And I know that a big part of a relationship is making compromises. And I’m all for that, as a relationship goes on! Not after 7 days, that’s just too early for her to make demands like that. Isn’t it ?
I could ofcourse have saved this relationship by doing things like taking down the pictures of women on my wall, limiting the access on my computer when I’m not here, and say “sorry, you’re right, I’ll mail the guys at NP.com and tell them I quit”. I could have done that. But then it wouldn’t be me! She wouldn’t be dating me anymore! She would be dating another Kris, the Kris who’s already showed her who’s the boss and constantly worry about offending his new girlfriend.
So what do you think? Am I stupid for not changing the way I am to please a woman I’ve just started dating? Does she have the right to demand that of me already? Am I just idiotic and immature for still having beautiful pictures of women on my wall? (another comment on those pictures – they are beautiful and stylish, not at all sexy!) And was she fair starting this discussion when she just got out of the shower only wearing a towel when she knows this is a turn-on for me?!
I just want to make this last point very clear – I did not give this woman up for any fantasy or obsession involving Natalie Portman! She could have asked me to give up Formula 1, same result. She could have asked me to give up “Star Trek”, wearing black or singing in the shower, it would have ended the same way.
Please send in any comments or advice you may have on this, I could really use it!
This was a day of mourning. One of the nicest women that I’ve ever met (who, somehow, was immune to all my attempts at getting a date), got a gig to work in Finland. Since her job here was just a part-time job she accepted and this was the last day I chatted with her and got to say goodbye. Now I really dislike Finland !