APRIL FOOL’S

Again – I didn’t update yesterday because I didn’t want an update to be confused with April fools. Let’s face it – sometimes my life can come off as a bad joke! Btw, what is a good April fools joke? Is it a joke that’s hilarious, funny but totally obvious that it’s an April fools (like TFN’s conversion from Star Wars to N’Sync!), or is it something that’s very nicely disguised and could actually be real (like that time 4 years ago when the internet went down on April 1st and someone started a chain letter explaining that the US government had pulled the plug)? Or is it something in between, like NataliePortman.com’s faked interview that wasn’t totally out there but too funny to actually have happened? I think it’s one very well disguised, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t laughing at TFN’s N’Sync site 🙂

I did an update last week about my communicator. But it was lost when I uploaded the new pages. I’ll post it again tomorrow.

HUMOR AND PORNO

Do you know what I think is way underestimated? Humor and comedy in the porno industry! I was flipping through channels yesterday and wound up on channel “Canal + Yellow” where they were showing the porno version of Matrix, called “Trixxx”. That’s humor right there, their titles! “Old McDonald Shags His Farm”, “Austin Prowler”, “Analyze These” and the best one – “Saving Ryan’s Privates”. Some of the… “actors” names are equaly hilarious, “Michael J. Cox!” 🙂 Then of course there’s the dialogue and story. And if you’re still not laughing, look at one in fast-forward and tell me it’s not funny!
(and don’t go all high and mighty on me saying you’ve never seen one!)
Anyway, off to my parent’s again for the easter weekend. Great food, great company and an F1 race. Have a great weekend everyone!

HATING FUNERALS

So, did anyone of you wonder why on earth I was actually thinking about not going to my best friend’s funeral?
When I was thinking about it, I asked myself “why should I?”. And the first answer I came up with is “because you’re just suppose to!”. And that’s so true, you’re just suppose to go, it’s what you do! If you don’t show up, people will think you’re a self-centered asshole. But is that reason enough? I really don’t want people to think I’m an asshole. But compare that to all the planning, work and emotional control it required to going… there’s gotta be something else! How about “so you can say a final goodbye”? NO! I’m not there yet. I’m still in a little bit of denial. And when I get there, shouldn’t I be able to say goodbye to him in my way, in the way I think is appropriate. So that’s not it.. 
How about “to support everyone else”? Fair enough, but that didn’t happen since every ounce of conscious thought went into trying not to burst out in tears myself, so I wasn’t able to support anyone else. Which, in retrospect, I really should have.

The only valid reason I came up with was “to show everyone what a good friend of his you were”. So good that I’ll go through all of this, so good that I could actually give a little eulogy. And no, I’m not applauding myself here, it’s just that I’m wondering what the real purpose is, why does everyone else go through this?

On a happier note, the new design is absolutely beautiful, some of my best work. Will be up this weekend.

TO MY AUDIENCE

I’ve finally got some motivation and inspiration (translate – “Kris found a good, nice and easily adaptable design that he’s gonna steal”) to start on a new design for the pretty low-key’d site. Also working on a little memorial for my friend. Hey, we all deal with this our way!
Just got my web-statistics report. I’ve had about 500 people checking in on this page daily since February 25th. Thanx everyone!

EULOGY

That was my eulogy to my best friend Eden. Or rather how it was written, approved and memorized. Unfortunately I tense up when speaking in front of a crowd. Add to that a very near outburst of tears and I’m bound to miss a few things here and there. But I’m pretty sure everyone agrees that it wasn’t what I said, it was the fact that I got up to say something.

PERFECT FUNERAL

Can you say a funeral was “perfect”? How about “beautiful”? Because that’s what it was! Everyone involved pulled everything off beatifuly, all practical problems were just solved, everything worked. The music, the atmosphere, the colors, hell – even the eulogy I managed to give was just beautiful. I’m sure Eden would have found something wrong with it, but as far as I know the only thing missing was just that – him. And then small touches, like people putting their communicators down instead of flowers, a small military salute… wow, and I was thinking of not attending…
I’d like to thank everyone who turned up! I was afraid not many would, but I was wrong. A special thanx to everyone in uniforms, I know Eden would’ve loved that. Credits go off to Ricki for keeping the entire thing together, Nic for musical recomendations, Eva for emotional support, Paramount for letting us use the copyrighted Starfleet logo, my father for letting me have the car and thereby solving so many practical problems..
It was really nice to feel the support everyone offered through this tragedy.

Well, let’s keep on Trekkin people!

FUNERALS

Wanna hear a bad joke? “What is the one event you don’t want a front-row seat to?” – “A funeral”.
I’ve found that the best way to deal with this is humor. Anyway, somehow I wound up as the person responsible for giving a eulogy for my friends funeral. Is that heavy or what, and not in a good way!

FUNERALS

Damn I hate funerals. I’ve been to four of them, and they have all pretty much sucked. I guess it’s because I’m just such a positive, optimistic happy guy that I just can’t take 50 or so people being that depressed and sad. And I have another one coming up next week. But as oppose to the other ones, this is someone who was really, really close to me. So I’ll be working all week trying to work up strength and courage to go there and get through it.

But on an optimistic note – guess who won… no, that’s not it… kicked ass?… no, not that either… DOMINATED the first Grand prix of the year? Ferrari baby, yeah! Over a second faster in training sessions, took pole with 0.4 seconds and even after one of them created some havoc and the other one slipping down to 4th by the first curve, they still came out on top with some 20 seconds to spare. And the best part of it – it was all done using last year’s cars!!

MY FUNERAL

As promised, here is a page explaining how I’d want my funeral to be like, as well as some notes about “who gets what”.

Don’t think I’m suicidal or anything, it’s just that I don’t want anyone to have to go through what we’ve gone through in the last week. So to spare some practical problems, here are my wishes.
(yes, I know I should print and sign it to make it legally binding, but I’m trusting everyone will get along without contesting anything)

EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED

Yesterday I was emotionally exhausted! All this planning and talking is just exhausting. And today I’m physically exhausted. But that’s what you get when you’re up till 4.30 am to watch the F1 qualifying. That was an attempt at resuming normal life again.
Semi-succeeded. I think I’ve tried every therapy there is. Except the one that takes two.

If I work really hard to find some positive thing, it’s gotta be that now I have to plan my own funeral because I don’t wish anyone to have to go through what we have. So when I’m back to normal I’ll start writing all things down, what I want my funeral to be like. Just in case I’d be hit by a truck or something…
(and no, I’m not suicidal!)

BEING EGO

Try and remember your weirdest dream, the one where nothing made sense and just weirded you out that you’re imagination is that weird. Well that’s the feeling I got today when I was sitting in an office planning my best friends funeral. Totally surreal and bisarre. That’s not the way it’s suppose to be! I’m the one always joking about not living past 60!
Now try and remember the most awkward moment, the one when you just didn’t know what to do and what to say. Then try to imagine coming up with anything to say to this very sweet couple who just lost their only child!
Am I being too egoistic here?

HE’S GONE

My best friend is gone. The shock has subsided. I’ve accepted it. Now I’m just waiting for the real shock when I realise I haven’t heard his voice in a while, seen his face, when I haven’t exchanged any new Star Trek jokes, when the next “Enterprise” episode airs and I’ll have to watch it alone… that’s when I’m expecting the second wave… now begins the unavoidable aftermath and trying to pick up the pieces. We’ll see how that goes. But for now, the small step has been to accept it and regain some emotional equilibrium (I just threw that one in because my mother complained I couldn’t spell, and that’s a hard word to spell!). Let’s see how it goes to go back to work. I’ve already tried once, didn’t get very far.

And just to make something very clear – the countdown I’ve been having for the past two months have been for the Australian Grand Prix, the opening of the F1 2002 season. As if that has any importance anymore.

My best friend is gone. I’ve accepted it now. Even though I can’t make any sense of it.

DEALING WITH IT

How tha fuck do you deal with this kind of thing? I’m doing my best trying to be optimistic, and then trying to think of all the good times I had with my friend, but every time I’m hit with the thought about all the good times we never had… like another friends wedding this summer, that was gonna be a blast… shit… I know you’re not suppose to feel this way, but I keep on feeling guilty for all things I didn’t do, for all times I wasn’t with him because I was too busy doing my own thing. and then I realise how fucking egoistic that is… but.. fuck, my best friend is gone… it feels so surreal, I spoke with him on sunday evening, and now he’s gone.
Nothing more I can say to him. Nothing more I can do with him, no more beer, no more watching “Star Trek” every week, no more…
It’s so fucking sad loosing someone you know so well and you’re on the same wave-length… we could just go on laughing for hours about something weird, or be in a room and one would say “you’re all different” and the other one would reply “I’m not”.. we knew each other so well and could finish each others sentences… no more of that..
my best friend is dead…

ONE OF THE WORST DAYS OF MY LIFE

Today I got one of the worst calls a person can receive… my best friends is dead…
my best friends is dead…
my best friends is dead…
my best friends is dead…
my best friends is dead…
my best friends is dead…
… ???? !!!!!
…. my best friends is dead……..

PAYDAY

Payday in Sweden. For most people anyway. Unless you didn’t know, we only get paid once a month in sweden, and most people get it on the 25th (although that depends on the company you’re working for).

Anyway, I got a real “heard of them first and got the T-shirt to prove it”-story. Guess who’s topping the charts here in Stockholm and who is played constantly on the radio and European MTV?… check my update on December 30th 🙂

5 days to go!

FUNERAL

Last minute preperations… here goes… if you wanna make a surprise appearence, here’s some info about the service.

BILLY JOEL

I recently saw an interview with Billy Joel. I haven’t really been a big fan of his, he’s done some pretty good songs over the years, but I like him more after this interview! First of all, he totally shares my opinion that the music industry is on an express elevator to hell as far as MUSIC is concerned, although the shows might be better now than they were 20 years ago, the music sure ain’t!

But what I really liked was his reply to the question “are you happy?” – “happiness is an extreme, so you can’t really be happy for an extended amount of time. But I believe being ‘content’ is underestimated”. Damn right dude! (that’s not an exact quote, I wasn’t recording it but that was essentially the point)

Btw, Sweden is (AGAIN!) the European champions in handboll. Joy!

Anyways, less than 4 weeks to go…

TONE

Time for a little happier update : Tone Bekkestad. Tone is a Norwegian metrologist on Swedish TV4. And she always makes me smile! Not only because she’s a beautiful woman, but because it’s something so bizarre hearing a norwegian-speaking person talking Swedish geography and weather! Something bizarre, yet funny, about that! So by all means, carry on…

ASTRID LINDGREN

Today is a day of mourning 🙁 One of the greatest writers ever passed away today. Astrid Lindgren… damn…. damn… don’t really know what to say about it.. She inspired so many people. She gave us all hope. She made things seem so much better. There’s just no words to describe how I feel about her work, her books and children stories that I was brought up with. And not only me, the generation before as well as the one after me. She will be grately missed and I hope, if there is a heaven or a better place after death, she’ll run it. Cause no one ever made me feel as … as much as she did. I’m not an emotional person, but reading through “Mio min Mio” is an emotional roller coaster.

She will be missed by all. Except the Nobel foundation who missed the window of opportunity to give her a Prize for her incredible legacy! Shame on you!

PRETENTIOUS

I got a new favorite word – “pretentious”. Can’t go into any details since I’m working at a lawfirm and don’t wanna get sued for slander.

On a totally different note – congrats to Thomas Johansson for winning the Australien Open. Which btw is totally related to my next statement:

Five weeks to go…