I spent friday driving around stockholm again and chilling in my apartment with my brother and watching a few movies and playing some Playstation. A very relaxed and nerdy way to spend a friday but it was enjoyable nontheless. On saturday we went down to Nynäshamn to bowl with my sister and her kid and oddly enough on the very last series we all finished within 1 point of eachother, that’s how tight it was. Then it was off to a housewarming party at a friends place on the north-western side of stockholm, an area I’m pretty much never around. And it was a good party, not that wild and afaik nothing to be embarrassed over. (Update: apparently I had gotten a bit too physical at one point that got pretty embarrassing)
But something sure did happen and I don’t know what. I met _her_ again at the party but I pretty much knew nothing would happen this time around and it was probably all for the best but we did talk alot and I don’t know exactly about what but it must’ve been deep cause it got me depressed as hell the day after and I don’t know why?… that woman is no good for me basically. Anyway, trying to get home from that place was surprisingly easy even without a taxi but I ended up walking. 5 kilometers. At 3 am… that’s the state I was in that it seemed like a good idea at the time…
Then on sunday I crawled out of my bed at around 12-ish, walked all the way to the soffa and crashed there for 6 hours enjoying some crap movies and a pretty uneventful Formula 1 race and finished the weekend playing some WoW.
A very strange weekend for me indeed and I’m still very confused what really happened that got me depressed?…
Oh, ice cream!!
And once again I failed to have a relationship that lasted more than 3 weeks. I’m quite the expert at that. This time it was my fault however, I know exactly what was wrong but there is just noway you can effect the way you feel no matter how bad you want to. Back to being single again, and I’m definitely an expert at that!
That date on saturday, that was very spontaneous, went pretty ok. What I liked about her was her humor so when we were having dinner and talking I think we sat the record of how many times the phrase “no, seriously…” have been used in one hour. ‘Cause both of us were very sarcastic, ironic and making fun of ourselves that we just had to make sure when we were serious and not. I hope we’ll get a better read on each other next time or this could get complicated and end with misunderstandings. Which wouldn’t be the first time.
Other than that, life proceding as normal.
All of my friends and collegues who know I’m a good guy that deserves to find that “special someone” is telling me that I should really be into these online matchmaking places. So about 6 months ago I signed up on two of them and it’s terrible. I’m sitting there going through the list thinking “too old”, “too young”, “too booring”, “too far away”, there’s always something I whine about. How pathetic am I?! But the other day there was a girl there that caught my attention with a hilarious intro and we’re going out tonight. Best test to see if I’m over “you know who” I guess.
Speaking of song lyrics I just heard one that totally describes my relationship to that girl – Depeche Modes ‘Enjoy the silence’. All I ever wanted all I ever needed is here in my arms. Words are very unecessary, they can only do harm. As long as we were just lying in her soffa holding each other it was heaven and I wanted to stop time. Then we started talking and it screwed it all up. Anyway I’m off to london now, I’m in the car to the airport and writing this on my blackberry. Hi-tech for the win! Will update when I get back. And by then I’m 32! Have fun.
Yesterday we had one of those “customer events” that I’m pretty used to from working as a consultant, but the past few times I’ve been there as a customer which is always much nicer. This time we were treated to Casino Cosmopol. We got a presentation of the company, some poker lessons (as if I needed ’em) and a posh 3 course meal (meaning I was still hungry afterwards) and then to the blackjack table and alooooot of beer and stuff. They were buying so I didn’t really notice just how much I did drink After going up 2000 and losing it again I thought I’d just call it even and go home. So there I am on the train home at 1 am with quite alot of alcohol in me and what is the absolutely worst idea at that point?… yeap, you guessed it, took up the cell and sent off a few messages. Not so bad most of them except that I had to send one to her as well! I’m such a dumb ass sometimes!! I checked the message this morning and it was a pretty good one, honest and to the point. Unfortunately, since she obviously don’t feel for me what I do for her when she read it she probably just thought “looooooser, I gotta change my number!”. So now the question do I send a retraction and joke about it or just ignore it… Oh man do I suck…
(Update: She had the humor to laugh at it :))
Ok, I know I defnitely took that more serious than I should. After all, in her mind we were probably only “fooling around” again even though I made it clear I was after a bit more, if only just a bit – not like I was gonna ask her to move in with me or change her life. It was just a very unique feeling for me to be so close to a woman and feeling completely comfortable. Not nervous of doing or saying the wrong thing, not looking for a way out, just completely comfortable. It doesn’t happen that often and I wanted to hang on to it (yeap, singing “Somewhere I Belong” with Linkin Park). But if she feels half as much for me as I do for her I wouldn’t be writing here.
So let’s start work on getting over that… anyone have a five step plan for that btw?
I had a small ICQ chat with her yesterday and what it all boils down to is the evil question of “what do you want?”. ‘Cause what I want is blatantly obvious and as usual it’s up to the female to set the limits of how far to go which is why I had to ask it. I dunno if I’m just too old for the “love me/love me not” games. Anyway, she couldn’t come up with good answers so I just laid it out for her, she has my number, call me when she’s figured it out. Which I’m pretty sure means I’ll never hear from her regarding this ever. Which leaves me wondering what’ll happen next time we meet at a party? Knowing me I’ll probably exercise the better part of valor and leave cause I don’t wanna feel like I did yesterday ever again.
What do I want?… I wanna quote Max Payne (the videogame): “The things that I want by Max Payne. A smoke. A whisky. For the sun to shine. My wife and baby girl back. Unlimited ammo and a license to kill. Right then, more than anything, I wanted her.”
Now let’s start thinking about the opposite of that question – “who are you”…
(I think you’re gonna have to see “Babylon 5” to know what I’m talking about)
Women are evil. It feels like an atom bomb went off inside me. I feel like shit. It’s not worth it.
I’m going into celibacy and I can’t even be bothered to spell it correctly.
So almost 6 months after we first met and had our 3 week thing, we finally met up at a party again. Last time we saw each other I was in a bad phase and didn’t really make an effort or anything and we both agreed it wasn’t working and split with a hug. And since then I’ve been very curious what would happened when we met again at some party since it was bound to happen and yesterday was that day. There was housewarming party and I showed up with pretty clear intention of trying to get that thing between us going. Abd within the hour it was warming up and by midnight it was all good and looked like mission accomplished. But she was still sending me mixed messages and by 2 I don’t think even she knew what she wanted so I pushed it by saying “I’m going home”. And after a bit of fuss in the hallway where we both realised this was getting way complicated she threw me out. Not in a kind, gentle “please leave”, but “get out!”. After wandering around lost in thought I found a cab, went home and was completely devastated by this. Totally!
I’ve been going through it all in my head what I said, should’ve said and shouldn’t have said and I honestly don’t know what happened. How could we go from sweet cuddling to her throwing me out? The only reason she stated which was that I’m too nice of a guy for her and she’d end up hurting me was BS since that’s exactly what she did. I don’t think I’ve ever been hurt as bad as I was by this. Not even when that chick at work wrote that pissed of mail did I get _this_ hurt. Now I have no idea what to do next, try to call her again and see if she knows what she wants yet or what tha hell is going on. ’cause there’s no doubt what I want, even after getting this burnt.
And today I was a complete wreck as well. It was suppose to be a happy day and celebrate my fathers birthday but I really put a damper on that mood.
The other day I was out with some friends and came home late in the afternoon and had just logged onto WoW when I get a message from “that chick I was dating back in December” asking me to “stop playing computer games and come out and join her, her best friend and a WoW buddy and see the sun!”. Still incapable of saying no to women I reluctantly agreed and we went to a place to drive some go cart. Not my idea since the last time I drove one of those I had a bit of an accident. And when I get there… there’s no sun and there’s no “that chick I used to date back in December”. She had other plans and just simply tricked me into getting outside. How very typical female of her…
Unfortunately for her we had a blast and it really was her loss 🙂
Ever had one of those days you feel was very defining, that had you done this things might have been very different? I had one of those yesterday. Probably should keep it to myself, but tha hell with it…
When me and my last “girlfriend” (it’s a stretch to say that since we never got that serious) split it was under real good circumstances and both were totally cool about it and I even joked that next time we meet eachother at a party or something who knows. And I didn’t wanna mess with fate too much so I didn’t go out of my way to make that hapened. But that party was yesterday. Was I there? NO! For alot of reasons I said no to going out with a few of my friends and as it turns out they ended up at the same party. I have no idea what’d happened had I been there but as usual I wasn’t there to find out. I’m a dork sometimes. And I could ofc blame them for not giving me a call but that wouldn’t be right.
Oh well…
Sometimes when I write things here I don’t really think about exactly how other people will interpret it or feel about it. And as I was chatting with one of the girls I had dated last year I kinda realised how terribly special she must’ve felt about me saying “went through 3 girlfriends”. Didn’t really sound that good did it? And I don’t wanna be too nasty against the other two, but the only one that really had any affect on me was the last one, for alot of reasons. The other two didn’t work out and it didn’t really affect me that much and I don’t regret breaking it off. But I do regret not fighting more for the last one…
Anyway, been spending 2 days adding my diary entries for 2001-2004 now so you can all ready what pissed off back then. As always interesting flashback reading from when I was out travelling the world!
That’s 2006 done with. Let’s do a little positive overview : I went through 3 girlfriends, had a blast at work, took myself out of the country twice, got my finances in order, lost a bit of weight and haven’t been to the hospital once (not counting my blood donations). A negative overview : I went through 3 girlfriends, only got out of the country twice, still don’t have a savings account, I’m still at 100 kg and I ended the year in a sad “where is my life going?” kinda way.
But overall 2006 was a good year that will mostly be remembered as the year of Warcraft for me. I would never say I wasted my time on it since it was so much fun and I made so many friends. I’m actually going down to Italy to party with a few of them. But it does feel like 2006 went by way too quickly and I could’ve, should’ve, done more with that year than playing a computer game that much.
So what does 2007 have in store for me?
Check this picture. Then, check this one. Notice the small changes… I’ve never felt so vain in my life, photoshopping a picture of myself. But if I can, why not? I trust you’ve all seen this awesome movie-clip?
And oh, I back-tracked why this girl thought I was after a more serious relationship than she was – I told her why the previous reltionship didn’t work, because we had only seen eachother 5 times in 2 months which was a bit less than I wanted. But that didn’t mean I was talking about living together, did it? Oh well, I guess I’d better practice saying what I really mean rather than say half the story and let people fill in the blanks… I dunno why I do that, I shouldn’t be assuming people get my jokes just because my best friends get me and my humor. Like the title of this update, how many are so retro they know Carly Simon’s lyrics?
I have a little hard time getting over this latest break-up. Her reason for breaking up, and she did take the initiative as always, was that she wasn’t at the moment after as a serious relationship as I was. I totally disagree with her on that point ’cause I wasn’t after a serious relationship that’d mean we’d see eachother every day or live together. But that’s not what’s bugging me…
What’s bugging me is my reasons for breaking it up. Even though it only was 6 years difference between us, it felt like it was more sometimes. She was on the wild and crazy side, spontaneous, partying, have to try everything, restless, “damn the consequences”-kind of person… And I’m not. The problem is, and this is a killer to realise… I used to be all those things and somewhere along the line I lost those qualities! When I was 25 those things would have described me so well! And this is why I liked her in the first place – she had so many qualities that made me go “I so get her!”. But somewhere along the line, probably as a result of my world tour or maybe it was me turning 30, but I grew up and lost those qualities. How tha hell do I get them back!!! I loved those things about me! All of a sudden I feel so very old and boring! Give it back!
Last weekend I had alot of issues on my mind, enough to make me depressed. Alot of small things (like my dead car battery, christmas shopping, suit that needed cleaning, photo session and so on) and two major things – WoW guild disbanded and my new potential girlfriend. Well all those small issues are now resolved thanks to friends and my ever supportive sister AC. And WoW guild dying isn’t as bad as I thought, I mean it’s just a game right and I get all my spare time back now in time for Christmas and the holidays. And there’s always the option of joining another guild and I may even end up playing more (!) than before. We’ll see, but it’s not important really…
Which just left that potential girlfriend. I’d met her during a party and we were pretty similar in alot of ways and at first it was “I totally get her!”. But after almost three weeks of dating and her going to Paris to get some perspective we met up again on saturday, talked for an hour then kinda agreed that it wasn’t working out. And a friendly goodbye hug and “I’ll see you around” and one more relationship that didn’t survive the 3 week mark (this was 6 hours short), I’m becoming the expert at that. But since we never got that serious and I saw it coming a mile away it’s not getting me down that much. But it did feel good while it lasted, never knew I could be so happy with a women fully dressed.
So all in all – one week later and everything sorted. Now bring on Christmas and the New Year!
I like to think I have a pretty strong psyche. And I have a pretty good ability to take a step back and analyze things. Which is why it’s so funny knowing and pinpointing the small little things that are making me somewhat depressed right now. Unfortunately it doesn’t really solve any of the current problems and there isn’t really anything I can do about them except wait them out and hope it blows over. Which it always does. But it’s still a pretty funny thing to do and it’s a good sign that I’m not _that_ depressed. And that possible girlfriend I had going isn’t returning my calls. Guess I shouldn’t have said anything…
But one small bit of good news is that I’ve finally added a page with a day-by-day description of me and my sister’s latest trip to Scotland. So, it’s not all bad.
This must be the fall/winter-depression coming on a bit late but now I’m depressed. I saw “Clerks 2” the other day and since then I’ve been in a “who am I why am I here and where am I going?”-state which is all kinds of depressive things. And just like that our WoW guild is splitting up (which is seing something I worked hard for 18 months go down the drain) and if that’s not enough – when I have the perfect opportunity to show a little bit of romance with a prospective girlfriend my car dies on me and ruins the entire thing. God damnit!!!
But yeah, atleast I have a prospective girlfriend, that cheers me up a bit (and thank you Mats for letting that cat out of the bag). But then my ever cheerful sis cheers me up with “you’re doing good, have a job, don’t live with your parents, you got your health and so does both your parents, what are you whining about?”….
True that, what am I whining about? And will that help?…
The last 4 weeks have been funny, weird, sad, depressing and annoying. Alot of different states of mind for one major reason. This woman at work that I considered a friend but got pissed off at me for wanting to talk about her being unhappy at work. Anyway, after her huge dissing of me she ended with “I don’t wanna talk to you anymore”. So for the past 4 weeks everytime she’s wanted computer help she’s called my collegues directly, not the helpdesk number since she knows it’s a good chance I’ll answer. And she’s kept check of when I work late so she doesn’t call at all. And she’s totally avoided this part of the building. And I’ve returned the favor by avoiding her part of the building, not taking on any cases that’s remotely close and for her last few days here I even made sure I wasn’t here by going to Gothenburg and working there for a few days. Had I been here and she’s come by handing in her laptop and to say goodbye I’m sure I’d said “sorry to see you go, good luck there and good luck with everything, have fun”, but that’d been a lie. I actually don’t… I really dislike her after all of this and if it wasn’t against my life philosophy, I might even go as far as hating her for it. But oh well, now she’s out of here and I can go back to normal work again. But atleast I managed not to talk to her for 4 weeks.
So that’s one problem eliminated. My second problem I solved with alot of overtimes and all my credit that I still had on some cards after my year of travelling and paying hotell bills for $2500 all the time, so the other day I paid $2000 to the IRS. I can’t really complain seeing as I spent over a year travelling the world on the taxpayers expense.