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Introduction
Welcome to the Eden Memorial, erected in March 2002
in honor of my best friend Mikael "Eden" Edenholt (aka.
Galaxy-class) who died on Monday 25th February.
I first met Eden over the Internet in 1997, when we were both trying
to excel at being the best nitpicker ever. Instead of escalating
this into a full scale war over the Internet, we teamed up. Later
we started hanging out during "Star Trek" videodays, talking
"Star Trek", movies and all kinds of things. Then he got
a job up here in Stockholm, but he didn't have anywhere to live.
So he got to stay in my apartment for the 6 months it took him to
get his own. During those 6 months we became great friends, learning
to predict eachother and learning exactly how to piss eachother
off. After that, we met a couple of times per week, just hanging
out. And whenever there was some special event happening, we showed
up, color coordinated and everything.
So on February 25th I was at work as usual, when I
got the call around 1 pm - My best friend was dead.
This is an excerpt from my
diary entries from February 25th and onwards
Monday, February 25th
Payday in Sweden. For most people anyway. Unless you didn't know, we only
get paid ocne a month in sweden, and most people get it on the 25th (although
that depends on the company you're working for).
Anyway, I got a real "heard of them first and got the
T-shirt to prove it"-story. Guess who's topping the charts here in
Stockholm and who is played constantly on the radio and European MTV?...
check my update on December 30th :)
5 days to go!
One of the worst days of my life
Today I got one of the worst calls a person can receive... my
best friends is dead...
my best friends is dead...
my best friends is dead...
my best friends is dead...
my best friends is dead...
... ???? !!!!!
.... my best friends is dead........
Tuesday, February 26th
How tha fuck do you deal with this kind of thing? I'm doing my best
trying to be optimistic, and then trying to think of all the good
times I had with my friend, but every time I'm hit with the thought
about all the good times we never had... like another friends wedding
this summer, that was gonna be a blast... shit... I know you're
not suppose to feel this way, but I keep on feeling guilty for all
things I didn't do, for all times I wasn't with him because I was
too busy doing my own thing. and then I realise how fucking egoistic
that is... but.. fuck, my best friend is gone... it feels so surreal,
I spoke with him on sunday evening, and now he's gone.
Nothing more I can say to him. Nothing more I can do with him, no
more beer, no more watching "Star Trek" every week, no
more...
It's so fucking sad loosing someone you know so well and
you're on the same wave-length... we could just go on laughing for hours
about something weird, or be in a room and one would say "you're
all different" and the other one would reply "I'm not"..
we knew each other so well and could finish each others sentences... no
more of that..
my best friend is dead...
Wednesday, February 27th
My best friend is gone. The shock has subsided. I've accepted it.
Now I'm just waiting for the real shock when I realise I haven't
heard his voice in a while, seen his face, when I haven't exchanged
any new Star Trek jokes, when the next "Enterprise" episode
airs and I'll have to watch it alone... that's when I'm expecting
the second wave... now begins the unavoidable aftermath and trying
to pick up the pieces. We'll see how that goes. But for now, the
small step has been to accept it and regain some emotional equilibrium
(I just threw that one in because my mother complained I couldn't
spell, and that's a hard word to spell!). Let's see how it goes
to go back to work. I've already tried once, didn't get very far.
And just to make something very clear - the countdown I've
been having for the past two months have been for the Australian Grand
Prix, the opening of the F1 2002 season. As if that has any importance
anymore.
My best friend is gone. I've accepted it now. Even
though I can't make any sense of it.
Thursday, February 28th
Try and remember your weirdest dream, the one where nothing made
sense and just weirded you out that you're imagination is that weird.
Well that's the feeling I got today when I was sitting in an office
planning my best friends funeral. Totally surreal and bisarre. That's
not the way it's suppose to be! I'm the one always joking
about not living past 60!
Now try and remember the most awkward moment, the one when
you just didn't know what to do and what to say. Then try to imagine coming
up with anything to say to this very sweet couple who just lost their
only child!
Am I being too egoistic here?
Saturday, March 2nd
Yesterday I was emotionally exhausted! All this planning and talking
is just exhausting. And today I'm physically exhausted. But that's
what you get when you're up till 4.30 am to watch the F1 qualifying.
That was an attempt at resuming normal life again.
Semi-succeeded. I think I've tried every therapy there is. Except
the one that takes two.
If I work really hard to find some positive thing,
it's gotta be that now I have to plan my own funeral because I don't
wish anyone to have to go through what we have. So when I'm back
to normal I'll start writing all things down, what I want my funeral
to be like. Just in case I'd be hit by a truck or something...
(and no, I'm not suicidal!)
Sunday, March 3rd
As promised, here is a page explaining
how I'd want my funeral to be like, as well as some notes about
"who gets what".
Don't think I'm suicidal or anything, it's just that I don't want
anyone to have to go through what we've gone through in the last
week. So to spare some practical problems, here
are my wishes.
(yes, I know I should print and sign it to make it legally binding,
but I'm trusting everyone will get along without contesting anything)
Tuesday, March 5th
Damn I hate funerals. I've been to four of them, and they have all
pretty much sucked. I guess it's because I'm just such a positive,
optimistic happy guy that I just can't take 50 or so people being
that depressed and sad. And I have another one coming up next week.
But as oppose to the other ones, this is someone who was really,
really close to me. So I'll be working all week trying to work up
strength and courage to go there and get through it.
But on an optimistic note - guess who won... no,
that's not it... kicked ass?... no, not that either... DOMINATED
the first Grand prix of the year? Ferrari baby, yeah! Over
a second faster in training sessions, took pole with 0.4 seconds
and even after one of them created some havoc and the other one
slipping down to 4th by the first curve, they still came out on
top with some 20 seconds to spare. And the best part of it - it
was all done using last year's cars!!
Sunday, March 10th
Wanna hear a bad joke? "What is the one event you don't want
a front-row seat to?" - "A funeral".
I've found that the best way to deal with this is humor. Anyway,
somehow I wound up as the person responsible for giving a eulogy
for my friends funeral. Is that heavy or what, and not in a good
way!
Thursday, March 14th
Last minute preperations... here goes... if you wanna make a surprise
appearence, here's
some info about the service.
Satuday, March 16th
Can you say a funeral was "perfect"? How about "beautiful"?
Because that's what it was! Everyone involved pulled everything
off beatifuly, all practical problems were just solved, everything
worked. The music, the atmosphere, the colors, hell - even the eulogy
I managed to give was just beautiful. I'm sure Eden would have found
something wrong with it, but as far as I know the only thing missing
was just that - him. And then small touches, like people putting
their communicators down instead of flowers, a small military salute...
wow, and I was thinking of not attending...
I'd like to thank everyone who turned up! I was afraid not
many would, but I was wrong. A special thanx to everyone in uniforms,
I know Eden would've loved that. Credits go off to Ricki for keeping
the entire thing together, Nic for musical recomendations, Eva for emotional
support, Paramount for letting us use the copyrighted Starfleet logo,
my father for letting me have the car and thereby solving so many practical
problems..
It was really nice to feel the support everyone offered through this tragedy.
Well, let's keep on Trekkin people!
Sunday, March 17th
My eulogy to Eden
I'd like to take a minute to explain to everyone a little
about Star Trek and what it meant to Eden.
Star Trek, and Trekkies, are usually considred very techie, asocial and
geeky. And although that description may fit Trekkies like myself, it
didn't fit Eden. Eden was more into the human and social part of Star
Trek and the always present "message" of the show. During it's
600+ episodes, Star Trek has dealt with basically every human and social
problem there is - everything from politics, racism to sexuality. And
they've not been preaching what is right and wrong, but instead let it
up to the audience to decide for themselves. Before I met Eden,
this part of Star Trek had gone unnoticed by me. But he constantly came
up with weird Star Trek influenced questions like "what is life",
"define love", "what qualifies as intelligence"...
Edens gift to me, Star Trek-wise, was to force me to think along those
lines,
and not just watch the show but actually use my intellect.
Eden really loved Star Trek, from when he cried like crazy if he didn't
get a Spock action figure when he was a kid to just three
weeks ago when he was sitting in my couch talking about the latest Star
Trek episode, he lived Star Trek. So when planning
this whole thing, it seemed fitting to do it as Star Trek inspired as
possible. Because if I had to put a lifestyle or religion on him, it'd
be Star Trek.
But there was one philosphy in Star Trek he couldn't live
by - non-involvement.
He loved to get involved, create a stir and to just take the opposite
side of whatever you were talking about. He didn't do it to offend or
tick anyone off - he just wanted people to think and use their minds,
not give the standard or political correct answers. He hated people who
just said what they were suppose to, so he argued to make them think for
themselves. Although I considred this a good trait, it was
often mistaken as something negative. The people who didn't knew him may
have thought he was a bit arrogant, wise-guy,
know-it-all nitpicker. He loved to point out other peoples wrongs and
to brag how much he knew, so therefor it took a special kind of person
to become friends with him. I'm sure all of his friends have some funny
story how they became friends with Eden. Mine is that I was exactly like
him - nitpicky and bragged how much I know. So I picked up the gauntlet
to take his arguments and we spent hours
trying to break eachother in "who knows most about the least important
thing in the world". That might have ended in a verbal war between
us, but instead we teamed up to become the dynamic duo of useless information.
That's how our friendship started. And when he got a job up here in Stockholm,
but didn't have any place to live, he crashed at my place for about 6
months. And during that period of trials and tribulations we got to know
each other so well and I look back on those 6
months as some of the best of my life.
When he did get his own place and moved out we had inevitably
become great friends. And if there was something he excelled at,
it was taking care of his friends. With him, you never had to call and
ask for help - he'd call you and offer his help! He bent over
backwards to help his friends, sometimes at his own expense.
So there is no doubt in my mind that I'm a better and happier
person today thanks to him, and it's with a smile on my face that I think
about him and the time I got to spend with him, the incredible original
that he was. And noone can ever forget him because he made an impression
on everyone he met or talked to. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good,
but he always made a lasting impression.
The most pleasing thought I'd heard during the past weeks
when asking "what is he doing now" is '" he's probably
sitting up there in heaven [or whatever you believe in] sharing a cold
one with Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry ". That thought always
brings a smile to my face.
And I'd like to close this with something I end all my mails
with - a quote. This one from Star Trek II, said my Dr. McCoy:
"He's not really dead. As long as we remember him."
THANK YOU
Monday, March 18th
That was my eulogy to my best friend Eden. Or rather how it was
written, approved and memorized. Unfortunately I tense up when speaking
in front of a crowd. Add to that a very near outburst of tears and
I'm bound to miss a few things here and there. But I'm pretty sure
everyone agrees that it wasn't what I said, it was the fact that
I got up to say something.
Tuesday, March 29th
Here are some pictures from the most beautiful, but also the
worst, funeral I've ever been too:
Pic # 1 : Picture
with everything in it. (including my stereo :( )
Pic # 2 : Picture
with everything in it. (including Eva :) )
Pic # 3 : Close up
of two of the most frequent Eden attires - his hat and custom made
jacket.
Pic # 4 : Close up
of a "Galaxy-class" model. That was his alias on the web,
Galaxy-class
Pic # 5 : Close up
of the Spock action figure I mentioned in the eulogy.
Pic # 6 : Picture
fromt the side.
Pic # 7 : Picture
from the reversed side post-service.
Pic # 8 : I don't
know if this is something pilots do every day over this cemetary
(the biggest one I've ever seen) or if it was specially ordered
today, but it was a nice touch.
Thursday, March 21st
Just got my web-statistics report. I've had about 500 people checking
in on this page daily since February 25th. Thanx everyone!
Friday, March 22nd
So, did anyone of you wonder why on earth I was actually thinking
about not going to my best friend's funeral?
When I was thinking about it, I asked myself "why should I?".
And the first answer I came up with is "because you're just
suppose to!". And that's so true, you're just suppose to go,
it's what you do! If you don't show up, people will think you're
a self-centered asshole. But is that reason enough? I really don't
want people to think I'm an asshole. But compare that to all the
planning, work and emotional control it required to going... there's
gotta be something else!
How about "so you can say a final goodbye"? NO! I'm not
there yet. I'm still in a little bit of denial. And when I get there,
shouldn't I be able to say goodbye to him in my way, in the way
I think is appropriate. So that's not it..
How about "to support everyone else"? Fair enough, but
that didn't happen since every ounce of conscious thought went into
trying not to burst out in tears myself, so I wasn't able to support
anyone else. Which, in retrospect, I really should have.
The only valid reason I came up with was "to show everyone
what a good friend of his you were". So good that I'll go through
all of this, so good that I could actually give a little eulogy.
And no, I'm not applauding myself here, it's just that I'm wondering
what the real purpose is, why does everyone else go through this?
Monday, March 25th
Payday again in sweden. You know what that means, right? It's been
exactly one month since my best friend died :( On an egoistic note
- I think this has ruined any joy I may ever have on any future
payday...
The funeral
The funeral service for Eden was conducted on March 14th in Hoppets
Kapell in Skogskyrkogården. The first problem in organising
the service was the fact that Eden was an atheist. He wouldn't have
liked having any religious context at all. This also included the
music we could play. He had a very weird taste in music, very techno,
ambient and not the kind you'd use at a funeral. But we did, and
it turned out that it was exactly the kind of music you should have.
There were still so many practical problems to solve, but everything
worked out great.
At about 2.40 pm the service started, first track on the playlist
was "Tyger" by a Tangerine Dream. A very soft melody accompanied
by a great song. After that, the officiator gave a short welcome
to everyone. Then we played "Til the End of Time" by Delerium
and the tears weren't far away. After that, the officiator gave
a speach about Eden, what kind of person he was like, the som very
weird stories. But because this person didn't know much about "Star
Trek", which was as close to a life philosophy Eden could come,
it had been decided I was going to get up and give a
little eulogy about "Star Trek", Eden and what a great
friend and person he was. It took every ounce of self control to
deliver this speach without bursting into tears. After that we played
the first out of three "top Star Trek themes" - "Deep
Space Nine"-theme (original version). Then it was time for
the obligatory, and the worst, part of a funeral - the goodbye when
everyone who wants goes and places a flower on the casket. But this
being a Trekkers-funeral, some people put down their communicators
instead. The president of Stockholm Trekkers, who is in the navy,
also gave a little military salute. All of this to the theme from
a "Star Trek : The Next Generation" episode called "Inner
Light", a melody that always brings tears to my eyes. Then
some final words and then the last theme - "Star Trek : First
Contact", a track that always gives me goose bumps. And then
we went to a cafe to talk everything out.
This was the best, but also the worst, funeral I've ever been to.
If it wasn't for the fact I was saying goodbye to my best friend,
I would say it was a perfect funeral service that I'm sure he would've
approved.
Click here for the pictures.
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